Guilt-ridden as charged
- Michelle Wood: SWCD
- November 2, 2009
- 864
I've been guilty of many things in my life. In the sixth grade, I corroborated on a math assignment we'd been specifically told to do on our own. I was the only one of our little group of cheaters not discovered, and felt so guilty I couldn't sleep at night until my dad drove me to my math teacher's home to apologize. I eat too much junk food and don't exercise enough. I've forgotten birthdays and skipped church out of laziness. I've perpetuated a reputation as a literature snob, even though I secretly have an affinity for murder mysteries and even the occasional (gasp!) romance novel.
But none of that compares with the kind of guilt I have experienced as a mother. Mommy Guilt has haunted me from the moment I first suspected I was pregnant and couldn't remember if I'd been consistent enough taking folate supplements. It got worse the first day of childbirth class when I learned that I was expected to eat two eggs, a quart of milk, two servings each of a complete protein and leafy greens, four servings of whole grains, one source of vitamin C, two additional fruits/veggies, and more EACH DAY. Out of fear that I would forever harm my growing baby, I kept a daily log of what I was eating, and never once did I manage to meet those expectations. I couldn't. I was too full.
And that was just the start. Mothers everywhere know what I'm talking about. We feel guilty if we choose not to breast-feed or if we give our babies a pacifier; we feel guilty if we work, or if we choose to stay home; we feel guilty if our kids eat anything but homemade meals from scratch; we feel guilty if we don't sign them up for every soccer/ballet/gymnastics/karate/drama/music opportunity that comes along; we feel guilty if we can't take them on exciting vacations; or if we haven't taught them a second language; or if we allow them to watch too much TV. We feel guilty if we don't buy them whatever the latest fad is (and then often feel guilty if we do). We either feel guilty that our homes aren't clean enough, or we feel guilty that we don't spend enough quality time with our kids (because it really is one or the other).
Let me insert a little disclaimer here: I acknowledge that it's sexist for me to call this Mommy Guilt instead of Parent Guilt. I know that fathers are also under enormous pressure, but I truly think society's expectations for fathers are lower, and the resulting guilt is less intense. It's sad and wrong, but one only has to watch TV sitcoms and how often mothers are written as the stable parenting figures, while fathers are depicted as buffoons—stupid, but lovable, and always forgiven.
I recently had to talk my cousin down from a rooftop of shame because she worried she wasn't playing enough with her seven-month-old. A friend who keeps a blog about her home life recently confessed that one of her children was diagnosed with ADD, writing, "It's hard for me to share this because I don't want to be judged, criticized, and misunderstood. I'm afraid people will point fingers and say, 'Have you tried this?' 'If you would just do this...'"
Advertisers know all about Mommy Guilt, and gleefully exploit it by offering electronic books that read to our kids because we obviously don't read to them often enough, and vitamin-fortified water because we don't hydrate and dose them well enough, either.
Why do we allow ourselves to suffer so? Why does it feel that we are never doing enough? And why do we compare ourselves to all mothers everywhere, rating our worthiness on some obscure scale that none of us designed? We compare our children as well, as if their achievements and failures are direct reflections on our parenting skills. When our kids are seniors in high school, will it matter who was walking and talking first, who wouldn't eat anything but Cheerios for five years, or who wasn't potty trained until they were four? Well, no, but does that just mean we'll be comparing SAT scores?
If there's one thing I've learned in raising three very different kids, through sleepless nights, temper tantrums, picky eating, and arguments over homework, it's that children are people, too, and their successes and struggles are largely their own - we can only take so much ownership of that process.
I don't have a magic solution to this problem, but at the very least, let's grant each other - and ourselves - some slack. Let's extend grace to one another, acknowledge that parenting is a terribly personal, emotional, and exhausting process. Let's assume that each of us is doing our best, and see if we can't ease that pervasive sense of Mommy Guilt.
Do you suffer from Mommy (or Daddy) Guilt? Post your response at www.thirdway.com/talk/?Topic=AW or send to Another Way, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803. (Include the name of your paper in your response.)
You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.
Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written Another Way since 1987. She and her husband have three adult daughters.