Woodruff & Chaste and the alphabet that never was
- col-dave-mast
- March 19, 2025
- 495
The English language is often made fun of because of its many peculiarities. Two words can be spelled the same but pronounced differently and have different meanings, like content and content.
Or words like some and dome can have entirely the same qualities yet be pronounced differently. Gum, some and dumb are spelled differently altogether yet all rhyme.
I could go on but won’t because this ribald tale of mockery is about to hit high gear on its own.
The poser: Who in the world came up with the way the English letters look? Who created the shape of the letter G and why? Now I’m not talking about the letters themselves, but the actual shapes of each upper and lowercase.
Luckily, I’m here to offer up one possible solution.
Franklin Woodruff and Baron Chaste, of Woodruff & Chaste fame, sat down one evening at the kitchen table in MCCCXVII, having been tasked with the venture of creating the shapes for the letters of the alphabet.
Perplexed as to how to begin, they devised a simple game plan: Woodruff would fashion the capital letters, and Chaste would follow up with his version of the accompanying lowercase letters.
I imagine their conversation sounded something like this:
Woodruff: OK my friend, now that we’ve got the details hammered out, let’s begin shaping these letters so we can fulfill the queen’s desire to share the English language with the world.
Chaste: Ready when you are my dear chum.
W: And so, it begins. I will make this endeavor fun and lighthearted. I’ll make the letter A look like a witch’s hat!
C: Fine choice, and in congruence, I will make the lowercase version look like a tiny mouse with a tail.
W: Don’t you think we should make the sets of upper and lowercase letters resemble one another a bit more?
C: Perhaps we should, but my cute mouse with its cute tail stands.
W: Alrighty then. Moving on, I’ll make the B look like the letter eight got hammered from the east!
C: And I’ll lowercase it by hacking off the top of it.
W: Now you’re getting it my dear Baron. I’ll make the next letter C a circular corral with the gate left open.
C: I counter with a baby version!
W: Ah, perfection. The fourth letter, D, shall be half a moon on its side.
C: I’m sorta stumped here, so I’ll simply flip the small b around.
W: Not very inventive, but let’s move along. We’ve got many more letters to go. Next up is an E. What if I just cut the two humps off the B a bit … there!
C: And my lowercase version will be a c with a stick in the middle.
W: You can’t just keep regurgitating your past letters. Use a little ingenuity by dear Baron.
C: But it’s difficult.
W: My dear boy, we’re only five letters in. Get with it. The F… Oh, I see what you mean about this being hard to come up with new shapes. How about if I simply hack the lower leg off the E.
C: And in kind I will make the lowercase like yours, but with a flourish.
W: Neatly done. G, G ... Ah man, this is hard. What if I make the G just like a capital C but place a little stick on the end that balances there?
C: Huh, again, I’m getting nothing, so I’m gonna take the tail on the small A and make it longer and swishier with a twist at the end.
W: Wow, this is tough. Let’s take a 30-minute break to regain our focus.
(58 minutes later)
W: OK, H … field goal posts old-school style!
C: I choose to cut off the upper-right post for mine.
W: I ... I’ll make it one single standing line.
C: That looks nothing like an eye!
W: It’s winking? Maybe, someone resting on their side?
C: Yeesh, that’s a stretch. What the hey, I’ll do the same, only smaller.
W: J, same as the letter I, just with a twist!
C: Again, I’ll miniaturize yours.
W: Those lowercase versions are boring. Let’s put a small dot above each of the I and J.
C: Whatever.
W: K ... How about a capital H with the right side kicked in by an angry mule?
C: I’ll make a miniature version.
W: Are you even trying anymore? L … right angle facing right.
C: Hmmm, I’m gonna go capital I for the lowercase L.
W: You can’t do that! That’s ridiculous!
C: Not only can I, I did, so live with it.
W: Sheesh, that’s gonna confuse people something fierce.
C: Don’t care.
W: This is taking too long. M is a mountain range.
C: I’ll make mine hills; they’re smaller than mountains.
W. N, oh, I don’t know, half a mountain range.
C: Half a hill.
W: O ... a circle.
C: Baby circle.
W: P, hmm, cut the bottom off a capital B?
C: Flip a lowercase b vertically.
W: Criminy, how many times you gonna use that shape?
C: Don’t tempt me boy.
W: Q ... circle with a tail.
C: Lowercase p flipped horizontally!
W: C’mon, are you trying to aggravate me now?
C: I’m tired and it’s past my bedtime. Let’s go.
W: Alright, R, maybe a K with a hat perched on top.
C: Lowercase n with his right leg cut off.
W: Wow, it’s almost like you aren’t even trying anymore. S sounds like a snake. I choose snaky-like thing.
C: Calling it … baby snake!
W: T ... a straight line with another straight perpendicular line balanced at the top.
C: Move the line at the top to the middle for me.
W: How about a cup shape for the letter U — haven’t used that one yet.
C: Baby U.
W: Arrggh! V, Roman numeral five!
C: Hey, that’s cheating … baby V.
W: Stop it! Oh posh, it’s time to be done. Double-you.
C: That’s pretty much two U’s, right?
W: No, just to spite you, I’ll make it two V’s instead.
C: Pair of baby v’s … take that!
W: X, well, that’s easy. Every treasure map has that crisscross thingy that marks the spot where the treasure lies.
C: Baby x.
W: Ugh. Ah, the end is in sight for goodness’ sake, finally. Y?
C: Why what?
W: Not why you imbecile, Y! How about a baby v with a stand for the capital?
C: same version here, only slouching.
W: Z, I’ll go two parallel lines top and bottom connected by a diagonal line attaching top right and bottom left. And you, no, let me guess … Baron? Have you passed out? That so figures. I guess then baby Z it is.
And that, my friends, is certainly not how our alphabet letters came to be formed, and thus, why you’ve never heard of Woodruff & Chaste.